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Abalone Recipe

Many people think they have invented the ultimate abalone recipe, but they never dreamed of eating abalone like this - because this is the abalone recipe of the creator herself. She weeps the lemon juice that anoints it, and the cayenne is her sardonic laughter as she watches us destroy ourselves. Fools! The only way to save yourself is to prepare this recipe immediately. Gather lemons, flour, salt and pepper, cayenne pepper, paprika, fresh abalone, (anyone using canned or frozen will instantly be struck down by lightning) a six-pack or case (depending on whether you'll be cooking for company) of ice cold Beck's or St Pauli Girl (substitutions are allowed - but no slouches!), and butter. You are ready.

Slice your abalone not quite wafer-thin while guzzling one bottle of the ice-cold beer. (This abalone recipe requires that one entire beer be finished before frying begins, so don't dally). Open second beer and mix salt and pepper into flour, then drop abalone into flour, covering completely. Pour about two ounces of the beer into the frying pan, and drink the rest. Immediately open third beer, and remind yourself that this abalone recipe could save all of man-kind as we know it from itself as you drop a quarter stick of butter into the simmering beer, taking a few fresh swigs as the butter melts. Let boil until half evaporated and add lemon juice. Add lemon to the beer you are drinking, and sample. Add cayenne and paprika, drink more beer and then drop abalone into pan to fry for 22.4 seconds each side on high. Finish beer and bring plate piled high with the greatest abalone recipe of all time - Tipsy Blackened New Orlean's Cajun Abalone Bomb - to the table. Open fresh beer.